so. its that time of year where i reflect (me reflect?) on my 13 years as a person without a spouse. in that 13 years i spent 5 in a serious committed relationship. during that 5 years we shared the same space, full time, for 9 months.  the rest of that time was split between two houses an hour apart. his. and mine. OURS we sometimes said. but lets get real. they were mine and his.  there are things you learn about yourself when you live in your OWN house for an extended period of time. mostly i’ve learned. i’m weird.

i fully embrace this weirdness. i straight up roll around in it. but it took this last year of  solo to see it so clearly.

first there is this:

i have sheer pink pom pom curtains in my bathroom. they match my retro pink and black bathroom. yes they do. when i found them i was like OH HELL YES! and i showed my then 14 year old son and said “will you be mortified if i put these in our bathroom?” and he said “no, those are AWESOME”. I am also raising little weirdos. so up they went. would i have done that if there was a man living here? hell yes. and if he wanted to be in my life he’d say “those are awesome!” (find me that man and send him my number because i’m fairly sure he does not exist)

i go to other peoples houses sometimes and i walk in and i’m like “wow, a grown up lives here! look how everything MATCHES!”

I dated this guy briefly and the first time i went to his house i was like “oh. this is how grown up men decorate. there is a theme and colors and tables that kids dont use as spring boards for the couch” WEIRD.

i had this life once where i filled my house with things like that. with vases of fake flowers and baskets that cost more than anyone should EVER pay for a basket and i would put fake flowers in them. it was part of my plastic life. and when the picket fence melted i got rid of anything that didnt mean something to me. all the pretty things that money bought went to goodwill and i surrounded myself with things that made me smile. so when i walk in my room, i’m greeted by this:

its like a grown up doesnt even LIVE HERE.

so sometimes, rarely, but sometimes i contemplate: what type of guy would i ever possibly meet who would walk in that room and think: “wow. this woman has her shit together”. (well if he’s there he must already think that or he wouldnt be right?” but seriously.

i forget sometimes. that not everyone appreciates the choices i have made. that at some point in my life (probably the point where i had to decide between food for my kids and plastic flowers), i decided – enough. enough consuming. i chose to surround myself with things that make me smile. things the kids make me. or things i find on the thrift shelf, or that friends bestow on me. or things given. like these:

a bad ass lamp a friend gave me who knew i’d LOVE IT. a vase my parents got as a wedding gift 40+ years ago that i’ve always loved. and a little jar of seashells i collected when i hopelessly in love with a boy i met on vacation when i was 15. 

i dont judge how anyone else choses to live. but this is how i chose to live. i’d rather spend 3$ on a bad ass high quality bedspread that someone else paid $150 for 10 years ago than to EVER spend $150 on a bedspread. maybe that doesnt make me a weirdo. maybe that just makes me cheap as hell.  but this. this makes me a weirdo:

we decided as a family we are leaving the aluminum tree up all year. we might even decorate it for the holidays if we can find some cheap ass decorations at the thrift store. i’m really looking forward to easter. cause some hello kitty easter eggs would rock that bitch.

hi. my name is heather. and i’m a weirdo. does anyone have a cat that needs a home?

seriously single. seriously ok with it. seriously keeping my tree up.