i dont think there is ever much quiet space in my brain. its not like i meander through life with few thoughts or opinions. in fact, i often feel vehemently and passionately about a wide rage of things. i’m more tempered. i’m more thoughtful. this is a quieter version of me (truly i know shocking. in my 20’s i was kind of an asshole, ask my friends). anyway.

here are some random and disconnected thoughts that may or may not resonate with one or two of you but this i know. i need them out of my brain. 

not too long ago there was a rash of break-ins in my neighborhood. this lead to some really disturbing and interesting observations about humans and pack mentality. first off, there was a small contingent of neighbors on our neighborhood facebook page that went, well bat shit crazy. it started as people posting things like “my neighbors garage might have been tampered with” or “my dogs went crazy last night, we might have heard a prowler” to balls out insanity. to the point people were posting about “suspicious persons” in the area. when i questioned one woman about what made this person she was reporting to police “suspicious” her response was “he’s walking slowly, looking at houses”.  well. interesting. i often do that. i live in an area that is artcitectually stimulating. when pressed about a description, it came down to a simple fact. this man was not white. the end. there was another incident where someone posted they would be taking it upon them self to patrol the neighborhood, after dark, walking “heavy”. for those of you who like me had no idea what that meant, it meant he was going to patrol the neighborhood armed. he is not FWPD. Hes not even a resident of my neighborhood. just a good samaritan offering to carry a gun and patrol my neighborhood looking for bad guys. suspicious persons if you will. gee, great idea. and i voiced my concern. and was met with other residents THANKING this guy. what kind of opposite world are we living in? crazy.

so what is my point here. well one day after school i asked my son to bring my parents mower over from their house, where he goes after he gets off the bus. and it occurred to me, that if my child wasn’t white, i would be really hesitant to ask him to push my parents mower two blocks to my house. in light of this vigilante, mob mentally that was brewing in my neighborhood, if my son was not white, i would not allow him to push a mower, two blocks. that was so incredibly depressing to me. 

since then FWPD caught a guy and and it seems everyone is satisfied that the “bad guys” have been caught. amusing to me it was a 21 year old white guy. i refrained from posing “all that racial profiling gone to waste huh guys?!”. But i’ve grown. so i just thought it.

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i went to the “congratulatory” celebration for a second cousins wedding (that was held out of state) yesterday. and i got to see many of my cousins that i really dont see very often. and as im watching my cousins, with their GRAND CHILDREN it TOTALLY FREAKED ME OUT. granted, i’m the third youngest. my mom is the second youngest of 5 so there is a pretty broad age range. but it doesnt seem like THAT long ago that my older cousins were cool teens. and now THEY ARE GRANDPARENTS. my head is still kinda fucked up over that.

anyway. i was talking to my cousins husband and we were talking about life and the world and generational things and he was expressing how things are so different for kids now. how much harder life is, etc. etc. and i said to him “every generation feels that way. you look at how things were for you, and you look at generations coming up and think “there are so many more things to fear” but are there? in some ways, yes. but in some ways. how much better are things? our access to information makes us more fearful. but also more informed. our access to information makes us more fearful, but also more enlightened. each generation possesses strengths. and for many many many years, the human species continues to advance. and survive. each generation thinks they probably had it the best. but we adapt and change and have since the beginning of time. and until we blow this place up or destroy it to the point of inhibition, thats just the way it is. quit being afraid.

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this is the year that i have been divorced as long as i was married. (mind blown). i have lived on my own, paid my own bills. raised my kids. taken out the trash. cooked dinner. cleaned the house. worked. painted. fixed. for 11 years. i’m not undermining the relationships i’ve had. and during those times it was nice to have help. but at the end of the day, i’ve been a single parent for 11 years. this leads my brain down some interesting paths. in that 11 years, 9 months of that were TRUE co-habitation. i’ve not actually LIVED with another person other than that time. chris and i spent a LOT of time together. but my house was my house. and his house was his, as much as we used the word “ours”. that was so evident when we split up and packed up each others stuff from our respective houses. and we exchanged a box and a suitcase each. thats it. after 5 years. 

the more time that goes by, the more i wonder about my ability, and my willingness to co-habitate again. i simply cant imagine it. in my fantasy life it exists. i LIKE company. i LIKE being a couple. i’m such a relationship person.  but in practicality, i simply dont know. i’m getting really comfortable doing what i want when i want. its hard to picture. i’m neither sad or happy. it just is. and i’m curious to see how life plays out. I’ve been lucky to have really amazing people float in and out of my world. people who get me and love me and nurture me in their own ways. but at the end of the day. i’ve been on my own as long as i was married. weird.

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