Ain’t even done with the night.

Music is the soundtrack of my life. I can pull a song that takes me to a decade, a year, a month of my life. Some songs surface again and again in different scenarios. Some stand out for a singular moment. This isnt one of those takes me back songs. This isnt even an artist I spend much time with. But there is something about this song that pulled me in when it was sent to me. Its longing and youth. Long sunny days, and nights just too short to contain the amount of FEELINGS we had. Like we could burst. I still feel that way at times. I think its why I’m still a night owl. I’m never done with the night, nights, are magic.

Road.

14 days into 2013 and already there’s a hairpin curve in the road. ok. i’ve already determined some things. 2012 was a reset. 2012 was figuring out how to function in a new sphere. figuring out who outside of the confines and support of a relationship, who Heather is.

its not an easy question to ask. and they are not always easy answers to hear. if you are listening. people do tell you. sometimes subtly through their actions towards you, their interactions with you, or actually in the things they speak. sometimes you get different answers from the same person and it can be confusing to dissect what you are hearing. you have to really focus. words. action. intent. ok got it.

so the mirror got held up in front of my face, and reflecting back were some truths. as much as you like to think you are breaking patterns and forging new paths, sometimes you end up on similar roads. its human nature, to take the path of least resistance. “oh, this looks familiar and safe, i’ve been here before!”. it might be different. it might be a a lighter, wider, sunnier path, but when too many landscapes start to look familiar, you might need to check yourself.

this is not my forte. i tend to skip on down the road with my hair flying behind me going WHEEEEEEEE. not paying attention, then BAM. TREE! check.

you get up and dust yourself off, do an inventory, whats hurt? ok. assessed. checked. now what?

2013 is taking the information and putting forth a new plan. a new way of thinking. a new way of doing. sometimes it takes hitting a tree or two to keep on the path, its like the universes way of saying “hey. dummy. new path, NEW PATH!”

and sometimes you need a mirror to show you what your repeating.

one of the things that i dread, loathe, fear about the whole “dating” thing, is the telling of the stories. this is how i got from point a, to point b. blah!  its like this fucked up ritual. well, here is who i am, and this is why i’m this way, and this is what you can expect based on these set of experiances. i’m 40 fucking 2. thats a lot of shit.

but maybe. and this is a novel new thought. maybe, i dont have to be defined by those old experiences. maybe i simply am what i am today. thats new thinking right there. and by defining myself based on this moment, what paths will that take me on? no clue. but it might keep me off the old ones.

loss can be an opportunity for growth. if 2012 showed me anything, it showed me that.
2013. well, its going to reveal itself how it chooses, but so far its giving me a big fat sign that says THIS WAY.

ive got a list of goals. i’ve got great toolboxes. i’ve got great cheerleaders, some of whom are really really really far into the background but i know they are there. quietly watching and pushing me forward.

its good to check over your shoulder. but you have to keep your eyes focused on the path ahead. simple.

and be sure to thank the trees.

Wildheart.

maybe its being the end of the year. maybe its being 42. maybe its just me being me. but i cant help but be reflective. i dont think i spend too much time looking back, but you have to look over your shoulder from time to time to check in. steep into the moment, turn around chin up and press forward. its life.sometimes i feel like my life moves at an unreal pace with unreal moments flying in and out. streaks of comet flashes across the sky of my life. people drop in, fly across, move out. some stay awhile. some dont. some stay a part of my permanent orbit, but their roles might change. i try to recognize the special ones, and keep them from getting too far away. i dont always do a good job.the important part, for me, is recognizing what the gifts are. i simply cant look at each situation that presents itself, and moves on, as a loss. they are gifts.  it hurts when things dont work out how you plan.

sometimes you enter a situation knowing, oh, this one is going to sting when it ends. maybe that sounds cynical. its not cynical, its life. things begin. things end. i do believe there are people who’s path is to find that “one” person and live with them happily for a long(ish) period of time. sometimes, for all their life. i already know thats not mine.

i’ve tried at times in my life, to try to form what i always thought life should be. husband. wife. kids. house. cat. dog.  simple.  attempt one didnt work.

i tried to try a new “family” life. the blended family.  all i have to say is respect to the blended families. you dont know hard till you throw different kids from different households with different rules and sometimes different values, stir in a couple ex’s and POOF. that shit is hard.

so for a year i’ve been trying to figure out my new path. i made some decisions about that path. i know what i will and wont be doing.

i’m so so so thankful that i’ve been able to stay friends with chris. that we see each others kids. that we can bounce things off each other. i learned my lessons from that relationship. he took a really broken, self loathing human and gave me a toolbox full of gifts. there is rarely a day goes by that i dont use a gift he gave me. that was his purpose. and i know what mine was for him.

i’ve had other people fly in and out of my life this year. i tend to focus on the emotional and metaphysical gifts i receive.   this year i happened to receive physical gifts as well. from friends and acquaintances and a secret santa.  small tokens, HUGE tokens, of the friendships i treasure.

then probably the best gift of all. a mirror. a mirror with a message. be more. own this. push forward. a mirror who see’s exactly who i am. who wont let me lie. who forces the best from me. who pushes me hard. who sees my chameleon soul but wont let me shift.

a song inspired a movement. a message inspired a blog.  an impulse inspired a song. a song inspired a story. it all inspired h2.0.

“you’re a wildheart. you’ll never be mine. you’ll never be anybody’s.”

my mirror.

be-u-tee-ful.

h2.0 – In the wind.