just. being.

i dont know why i feel the need to write a preface here. this is my space and i’ve used it pretty liberally over the years to pour my guts out. but sometimes doing so feels . . . narcissistic. well, maybe it is. but you know what? here is the thing. because social media works how it does, on paper it looks like 2015 was a fan.fucking.tastic year. It wasn’t. and my crappy year is 1000x better than lots of peoples bad years. and right before this, I read a story about a young family who dropped their daughter off at daycare and now shes in critical care with major brain damage. so you should probably go donate to their page. you can read about them here: https://www.gofundme.com/jtzfvhys.  Its super terrible. but in the mean time, i’m going to dump my emotional baggage all over the internet. and then hopefully i’ll have broken the seal and can get back to writing some more entertaining shit for ya’ll. There. That’s my disclaimer.

awhile back. i had this written over my heart. “the rungs of me be under, under you”. when i first heard those lyrics, i thought, there is no more beautiful sentiment of love. it’s really a macabre song. but the experience of opening yourself up so wide, that you just want that other person to crawl inside you. where you become and twine and fall to the deepest depths of all that is good and terrible. only a hopeless romantic would tattoo that shit on their body. anyway.

well last year was kind of the opposite of that. last year felt like having the flesh picked slowly from my bones. or being unstitched. it was slow. and on going. and endlessly painful. nothing was enough to completely do me in. but for a lot of the year I felt that was pretty unfortunate.

the interesting thing about life. or at least my life. is that, i have really good intuition. and i use it in good ways. it mades me really good at some areas of my life. but in other ways,  i shove a dirty ass handkerchief into the mouth of my soul and some weird combination of brain and heart take over and i get sideways. and that can manifest in really soul crushing ways.

like. i didn’t say goodbye to my mom.

it’s been over a year now and i’m still sad and angry. i’ve already written about it. and i can’t do it again. but i feel guilty. and sad. and then pissed. round robin style.

and. i didn’t go out of my last career the way i wanted. and it still fucking hurts. what i didn’t realize, was how much of my pride in myself centered around being really good at my job.

that was humbling beyond measure. and it continues to be.

pride. pride and stubbornness. evidentially those were two big lessons I needed to learn. those hurt. and then there were other blows.

the year just didn’t stop throwing things at me. every time I’d get my footing, it would be something else. i spent the summer on my couch. or out of town. being here made my skin itch. i couldnt breathe here. i didnt’ want to go anywhere. I didn’t want to see anyone. i felt like i was living under water. i didn’t open my mail. i didn’t pay my bills. i kept buying socks because washing whites was too much. i probably should have been medicated. or seeing a therapist. but that would have required some sort of effort. or leaving the house. or putting on pants.

in august christine bought a house. and she would say “come over” and so i would.  and that got me moving again. it was like an extension of my house. but with at least one other person.

And one day in October. I was heading to a Lucero show with her. and i was ok.

and at christmas my kids all came home and spent christmas eve with me, and i was better. i felt happy.

and in March a company I had wanted to work for for quite a while asked me to interview. and then they made me this amazing offer. and today it was 4 weeks at my new job and i feel wholly ill-equipped some days. i’ve gone from feeling like i could handle any situation without even thinking too hard to having to think really hard every day. and i love it. and i feel like i have value. and i am humbled. and i am GRATEFUL.

so. Tuesday, will mark a year since i left the last job I really loved. and its ok. and it will be the last thing out of the shitstorm of 2015 I’m going to acknowledge. I have a bad habit of looking back and trying to figure out this and that and why. i have my take aways from 2015. and i’m going to drop some of those right here. and then i’m going to wipe off my hands. dry the last tears and let it go.

  • be forgiving. grudges are a waste of time. its hard to push me to that point, it really is. but once you get me there, its real hard for me to get past it. i love hard. i’m loyal as fuck. you hurt my heart and i will back away so hard you won’t find me.
  • ok, i’m still working on forgiveness.
  • actions > words. i believe this so much its printed on me. well its a sloppy beautiful script actually. but anyway. mean what you say. say what you mean. blowing sunshine and rainbows and good intentions around is not constructive. i’m working really hard at this. and i absolutely hold everyone to that standard. myself most of all.
  • if you are unhappy at your job. quit. you are not irreplaceable. i know i know, you think you are. you aren’t. and if you are miserable, guaranteed you are making the people around you miserable. i was stressed so hard my jaw came out of socket. i was spending a small fortune on massage therapy , a chiropractor and vodka just to manage my stress level.  take the sunshine you know you have and put it somewhere else. for better pay. (or worse, really, its your health after all) your friends will still love you and be your friend.
  • ask for help. i’m not even going to pretend i know how to do that. i’m doing that at my job, and i think that is a start.
  • do yoga. and don’t roll your eyes at me like that. yoga probably saved my life. it was one hour 2-3 times a week i could focus on breathing, and pushing my muscles. period. and my intention was the same for 6 months. “i will get through this. i will be strong.” and frankly, having someone adjust your pose meant being touched by another human being. and sometimes that was enough to get me through another day.
  • don’t get any tattoos after any traumatic life event. you would think i would have gotten that lesson with the butterfly tramp stamp of 2002. i love the work i had done. i do. but i would have considered the placement a little harder if i had been giving ANY fucks about life at the time.
  • figure your shit out. i’ve spent the last year trying to break old habits and patterns in all areas of my life. i still have a lot to figure out. but the one good thing i did, was i didn’t try to make myself feel better by doing the stupidest thing of all, jumping into a relationship. i have good people around me. some men. and some women. who have been amazing friends to me this year, and over the years. i’ve spent my time talking to and getting to know interesting people who bring cerebral value to my world. its really the most important currency at the end of the day. thank you all for the great conversations.
  • trite. here it comes. but push yourself out of your comfort zone. i traveled alone. i spent weekends out of town alone. exploring cities. going to bars. seeing bands. eating dinners by myself in places i’d never been.  i flew to palm beach and got to spend time with two of my soul sisters. i took a trip to Ireland!  and i could do all of those things because i quit paying my bills. whoooo!  i let a friend talk me into putting my photos into a show and it was fun! and people i didn’t even know bought them! and i’m doing it again which feels really great. because i might take really average photos,  but i love it, and people support me. like real artists. and that is fun for me. those were all new things. and now i have to start paying my bills because the man is PISSED OFF. damn the man.
  • lastly. acknowledge where you fucked up. … to you. i’d like to say “I’m sorry”. and to YOU. I would really like to say “i’m sorry”.  to my kids “i’m sorry”. thats the one thats the hardest. because no one gets shorted like a kid whose parent is depressed…..  to my friends “i’m sorry”. and to myself “im sorry. and i forgive you”.

Thank you for indulging me dear friends.

for your listening pleasure: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xqw4wo8vdY8  It is a damn pretty song.