today.

was a good day. the last week or so i’ve been plagued by panic attacks. i’m sure there are a variety of factors. stress. i’ve added a 2nd (or 3rd depending on how you define it) job bartending at Trion Tavern. I’ve decided to do this for numerous reasons. The simplest one to explain is I’ve always wanted to work in a bar. there is something about bar culture that appeals to me and i wanted to get a closer view from the other side of the bar. less calories. make money. observe. more about that another time.

my way of dealing with caseys death thus far is to shove it all as far away as possible. sometimes something hits me and i wrap it up in a box, duct tape it, wrap it in bubble wrap and stick it in the emotional closet with all of the other feelings i dont want to deal with. but that only works to a certain extent. the downside is i’ll still have this thought “next time i see casey i need to tell him this . . .” then it hits me like two tons of lead bricks. ..

i have moments where i cant breathe. where tears over take me. where i cant do anything but sob. sometimes it hits me in my car. sometimes at work. most often at night when i’m done running 100 mph, netflix kicks off and my brain engages. i miss him. i’m sad for those of us still here. all of us. missing him.

i think about chris and how he’s dealing. we talk. we had dinner. nothing has changed. yet everything has changed. we have changed. and again we havent. lifes funny like that.

ive quit marking the months but i still note it. i’ve been single for 15 months. i’ve dated. i’ve had some really cool and amazing times with a variety of friends. mostly old friends who have known me for years and years. ive had situations come up that looked promising, only to find myself months later wondering a bit why things didnt pan out exactly. but they dont. and thats ok. things are as they should be. i can see the bigger picture. that doesnt mean that this particular style of my life at times doesnt leave me wanting for more. and wondering if that is something that will ever come around for me again. i have to think, to believe it will. but i’m also pretty content as things are. if i wasnt i suppose i’d make time for something else, and i’m completely unwilling to do so right now.

i’ve set a course of action on some personal goals. I’ve been working with my trainer now for 15 months as well and while i’m not the lithe 20 year old I would like to be, my body is strong and feels healthy for the first time in a long time.

the garden is started with my little seedlings and I have plans for some front yard beds that will either look really cool or will completely piss off my neighbors. we shall see.

oh, so today. today was a good day. i dont usually have the kids on THU but i did tonight and it was lovely. i know it sounds braggy and is probably annoying as shit, but i have amazing kids.  i honestly think steve and i were picked by the universe to host these amazing human beings to show us both that we shouldnt be such cynical fucks. i see taylor kicking ass and taking names at school. pushing through a crushing loss and pulling through this last semester. taking the steps with counseling that she needed to to deal with the loss of casey AND keeping up at school …. all on her own. shes driven and focused and going after exactly what she wants. and in her spare time she volunteers at the shelter, is an active participant in her feminist group on campus and on a daily basis is a stellar human being.  all without her family close by, her bf here at home and being the odd man out by being a non party type of girl at BSU.

 i see chase battling back after being on the verge of a really dark space. having your child come to you and say “i’m feeling suicidal. i want to go into the hospital” weeks after his step brother committed suicide was terrifying and awful. in a society where mental health assistance is sketchy at best, we ended up with a great counselor for him who has helped immensely. pulling him out of school and homeschooling was also a huge decision but we did it and we could not be happier. this is the happiest i’ve seen my son in years. sure, he has bad days. and hes still grieving like the rest of us. but im seeing glimpses of the man he is becoming and it warms my heart. i will continue to watch him like a hawk. for these are the dangerous years. but he’s starting to fit into his skin. and its amazing to watch.

and harry. my shit rolls down hill kid. with 4 pages in his baby scrapbook. the one who always tends to get the short end of things. the one who takes every single disappointment in life with a shrug and grain of salt. that kid. well tonight his big bro offered up a great find at the thrift store. and its moments like that that i know, it will all be ok. and for all of their lives. all three of them will have each others back. and as a parent, i can not want anything more than i want that.

well this blog went left when i was planning on going right.

i could easily write about all of the things i’d like. actions i wish people would take. how i’d like to see my life taking shape. but the simple fact of the matter is this: the road is set. i chose to write what is mine to write. at the end of the day its a hell of a story.  as my good friend says “its all autobiographical”. good point. a long time ago, my father gave me a copy of my favorite book. and in he wrote this “each of our lives is its own epic. write it well”.

its no fairy tale. but its not a tragedy either.

for .28 this made me unbelievably happy.

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words of wisdom:

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seek the light.

dont be afraid of change. embrace it.

accept that fear is a good thing. it enables you. see above.

reinvent who you are. quit defining yourself in absolutes.

create something every day. nothing helps you move forward more than creating something. plant a seed. paint a wall. write. take a picture. say something nice. smile at a stranger. dont be afraid to try.

if its not working. change it.

your attitude defines everything. black is a cool color. its also the absence of light. think about that for a second. what grows in the dark? mold and those creepy ass fish that live on the bottom of the ocean. they might serve a purpose but no one pays for a tour of the sand colored fish with creepy eyes.

belly laugh. dont be concerned if people stare. they are just jealous.

leap. then figure it out.

manifest. cliche? possibly. but no one achieved anything by sitting there afraid.

recognize that no matter your circumstance, your history, your childhood, your choices, YOU decide every day what the next day brings.

recognize that the next day might throw you a curve ball you didnt expect. that might feel like it is setting you back. but is it? or is it a lesson to learn from, and grow from.

are you in the same spot you were last month, last year, the year before that? thats called STUCK. see above.

there is surviving. and there is living. treading water gets you no where. splash around. it might be ugly but its better than just staying alive.

this is the type of message i’ve read in a 1000 different ways, and mostly i’d want to slap that person and say “but you dont GET it”

yes. i do.

be brave. let go. move on. the past gets you no where.

seek the light. if you keep moving towards it you’ll find what you need. or youre dead. either way. no need to keep struggling right?

oh. and listen to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_kkp9S9a3w