the winter of our discontent.

for some reason this phrase has been rolling around in my head for months. i’ve been turning it over like a stone and it feels smooth and comfortable in my hand. yet i have no idea what it means to me right now. but this i know.

i’m a summer girl. always have been. i love the heat and the potential for being outdoors as much as possible.  the kids being home. growing flowers and vegetables in my garden. summer romances. immersing myself in bodies of water with as much frequency as possible. vacations. its truly my favorite time of year.

this has been a weird/hard/tumultuous/revealing/humbling/gratifying/growing/loving/learning/fucked up year. it just has. i’ve never had more personal growth, for sure. i’ve forged new bonds that run deep. i’ve been forced to let people go. sometimes brutally. sometimes kindly. and sometimes in unspoken ways.

ive let people in. into the darkest crevices and pathways of my brain and my heart. i’ve opened up and allowed myself to feel in ways i’ve not allowed in a long time. i’ve tried new things. expanded my knowledge. tested myself in lots of new ways.

i’m freaking tired. but the year, its not over.

so winter.

there is a certain poetry to winter in the midwest. everything goes dormant. and in the spring, you get a whole new fresh beautiful look at the world. and you are so THANKFUL for the color after living in a state of grey for so long. but this year. this year i’m overwhelmed by the technicolor my life has been for the last 9 months. its been a bombardment of sights and sounds and lessons. i think i’m ready for some monochromatic views.

im actually looking forward to soft quiet evenings hushed by the blanket of snow outside. of nightfall coming early and tucking you in. of cold air streaming through the oh so small gap in the window. just enough to chill your face and let you breathe in the cold crisp smell of winter. of running while its snowing, in the dark because its beautiful. the season of soups and stews and comfort foods and family time.

i may have a while to go before i break out on to whatever side of things i’m supposed to be on. i’m hoping as i give way to winter, i’ll also give way to the final letting go, and when spring awakens i hope to be in a new space and time. one open and ready to accept the lessons i’ve been given. 

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