letting go.

I’ve written about this before, when Taylor went off to college. This isn’t a new subject, to anyone, myself included.

I still remember vividly, watching Taylor walk into her first dorm. The truck unloaded, the pictures taken, the hugs goodbye. Her casual walk off into her new life. My tears on the drive home. But somehow it was different. It was 4 hours. It was college. It was the standard rite of passage.

Tomorrow I fly around 24oo miles away from my child. He’s an adult. He’s married. He’s taken a different route to happiness. He has a lovely wife who is strong and smart and capable. And he is strong and smart and capable. Together they make an unstoppable team.

On our 3 day treck across the country, we got to talk about a lot of things. We talked about life and values and relationships. He’s got it down. He’s a great partner. He loves his wife fiercely. And he loves her smartly. He understand the value of communication and working as a team. He’s 1000x better prepared for this journey than I probably still am at 46. He just gets it.

I am so very happy for my son. He has not had an easy time of things. He’s lived through some dark, tough times. To an extent, we all have. My kids have had to bear witness to the rougher side of life from early ages and it affected us all differently. But he met someone who shined light on his dark and brought out his best self.

We talked about how moving and starting over can change your narrative. And I am seeing it already. He’s shedding the skin that he grew, and that was placed upon him, literally before my eyes. He, is letting go. Letting go of past perceptions. Letting go of doubt. Letting go of fear. And he is stepping into the role of husband. Independent son. Man.

But. I am his mom. And after our dinner tonight, he brought me back to my hotel room. And as we said goodbye, even tho I tried really hard to not cry, I sobbed into his shoulder. And he hugged me hard and he cried too.

This is where it’s my job to let go.

“Making the decision to have a child – it is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone.

I remember back, not so many years ago. Waking up in the middle of the night with three kids piled into my bed. The four of us sleeping like puppies because of a storm. And I remember thinking, how lucky was I? To have these three beautiful children. These three beating hearts. These three incredible brains. These three smart, independent, sassy, full of life children who wore me completely thin…. tangled up in my tiny bed; snoring and talking in their sleep. My babies.

Sitting here knowing he is sleeping a 1/4 mile from me, and knowing that first thing tomorrow, I fly away from him; makes me incredibly sad.

It also reminds me of the book I read him often, when he was a toddler. The Runaway Bunny. Even as a toddler, he would tell me he would be the bunny. And that’s not selective memory. He clearly stated, he would run away. But he knew, that no matter where he went, I would be there.

No matter where my children go, part of me walks with them. My heart. 

 

 

 

 

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