all in my head.

one of the re-occuring quandires I seem to face again and again, and I know I’m not alone, is “is this all in my head?”  what is my reality. reality is simply my perception of things around me. that reality is altered by my interpretation of the facts presented. how much do we shape our reality by our hopes, dreams and attitude.

one of the things that is interesting about examining where we have been is to see how differently we might see things with some distance attached. something that felt very badly, in retrospect might not have been as bad as it seemed. or something that we thought was really wonderful, in retrospect through the right filters and lens might actually have been pretty fucked up. and mostly, most situations are a combination of the good. the bad. and the 99 shades of grey in between. which makes it REALLY hard sometimes to separate out the wheat from the chaff in any given situation.

then there are the unexplainable things that surface.

i was sitting on the beach in NC just a few short weeks ago and a memory (which turns out was a partially false memory) surfaced. it was a memory of me and my mom on the beach together when i was 7 or 8 and as my mom was playing with the sand a charm surfaced in the sand. it was a necklace with a Crab charm on it. I don’t recall my fascination with it, but I was pretty sure as I sat there in 2013, that I had that charm at home in my “jewelry” box.

So last night when I was cleaning my room and was having several things pop into my head about a variety of situations that might have been skewed all up in my head I went to my jewelry box and there was the crab. just sitting there.  now how is this relevant at all? well i cant exactly expound on why it is. but the crab is symbol for the astrological sign Cancer. Cancer is another water sign, one of the very few that are even remotely equipped to understand the Pisces which tend to be the most difficult of the signs in the Zodiac. and in my life this all comes into play and its insanely interesting. things like this i observe and try to take note and not dwell and not get all stuck up in my head letting things go round and round.

and then.

today my coffee press got hulk smashed by a beer glass. so how is that even remotely interesting? well. the coffee press was a gift by someone who felt pretty strongly that i needed to change my ways. that i needed to alter some things in my life. it was a well intentioned gift, but the root of it was based on someone elses reality in their head of who i was and what they felt i needed to be. the beer glass is linked to someone who has spent our entire connection time re-inforcing that exactly who i am, as is, is exactly who i need to be. who has managed to take my negative self chatter and turn that around into positive self cheer. something others have tried, unsuccessfully. to help me understand that while i am far from perfect, my imperfection is what makes me me. i can always strive to be better, but how i am NOW, is good. because its fact.

so when that glass smashed that press i had a OH HOLY FUCK moment.

so i would guess a good portion of my 12 readers will read this and think “surely you arent looking at a glass falling out of the cabinet as some sort of symbol”.

yeah, i am. because every day is full of them. and i read them like road signs in my life. and once i accepted that was a perfectly acceptable way to live, my life has gone so much smoother.

so go back 10 years. i was listening to this song and i was questioning every last thing in my life. i was watching things play out and i was ignoring every last sign thrown in my face. and i was all up in my head running things over and over again and trying to figure out my reality from the fantasy.

maybe its still all in my head. but when it smashes on my counter or appears in my jewelry box or pops up out of nowhere or continues to cross my path. i’m going to pay attention.

its not all in your head.

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